An attempt to get healthy

so I shattered my femur nearly three years ago in a really nasty motorcycle accident. And when I say shattered, I mean shattered... Like very little left to work with. The emergency surgeon inserted a titanium rod into the leg and did a bone graft. Two months later, a second surgeon cleaned up the remaining bone fragments in the leg and added some weird putty stuffs around the bone to encourage bone growth.

Fast forward to march of this year, when during Spring break, instead of partying it up, I once again went under the knife to have the rod removed and replaced with a whole new one and a new bone graft patched around that. The big difference is this time the surgeon told me to get up and move around as much as possible immediately after surgery.

It's been nearly two months and I'm getting better but now I'm on a mission to get healthier - trying to spend time in the pool as much as possible - it Helps me move around and strengthen the weakened muscles without severe impact. I'm also trying to eat better and take better care of myself so I can lose weight. I'm a big girl and have roughly 80-90 lbs to lose to be healthy, he'll I'd even take 60 lbs down right now.

However my problem is this - I LOVE FOOD. And the worse it is for me, the more I love it. So trying to stay healthy is difficult. Not to mention I get extremely discouraged anytime something bad happens, like an increase in the scale or a loss in muscle mass. And I have a hard time staying on track when I get stressed - like this week's finals. Just shoot me now.

Anywhoos, I'm gonna try to stay eating better and swimming so I can get healthy for my son :)

I have a 3rd grader!!!!

Where has the time gone?  In less than two weeks, my baby boy starts the 3rd grade. Inconceivable!!!! I can't believe how much he has grown over the past eight years and what an amazing young man he's turning into. He is so incredibly bright and full of so much love and compassion for everyone he encounters. 

He's just gotten so big! I can't get over it.  Seems like just yesterday I was seeing him for the first time on the ultrasound, then holding him for the first time and then seeing him off to kindergarten. 

I am one proud mommy

Getting Up

 I have spent this week studying my bible and praying.  I've been a Christian my entire life, but I have come to realixlze, not a very good one. Every time I have hit bottom, the ones who have been there to support me have been my Christian friends.  Not my bar hopping friends or bed-mates.  When I was 20, I even attempted to take my own life just to end the pain I put myself in.  Back then, as I was waiting on my bathroom floor, waiting to die, I prayed.  And I heard Papa speak to me. He told me to get up, that He had more planned for me.  I was faced with a choice: succumb to Satan & lay there or to walk with God and get up.  I chose to get up. I passed out in the hall of my dorm complex (I was stationed in Japan at the time) and was found just in the nick of time.  The doctors later told me hsd I stayed in my room, I would have died.

My most recent troubles haven't been the worst in my life, but they were pretty close for me.  I came dangerously close to where I had been that cold fall night.  One of the things our senior minister said stuck with me this week (and I'm paraphrasing because I don't remeber the exact words): "Every time we run from God. Every time we make our own choices and our own paths, He finds a way to bring us back to Him."

I'm tired of living my life on the bathroom floor, just waiting to die. Tired of letting Satan control my life.  It's so much easier to just get up, dust yourself off and walk with God.

It won't be an easy journey for me. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life.  But I'm choosing now to move past them. I'm working on forgiving myself. It's easier to do so when I know He has already forgiven me.

putting an end to bullies

i've been thinking a lot lately about bullies. Our society is inudated with them, our children are fighting them off. Recently my 6 year old and his friends have become to scared to play outside because of a group of them in our apartment complex who like to beat up the kindergartners and first graders.  seems they are striking younger and younger these days.

I'm a vicitm of bullying. most of my childhood I was picked on a treated poorly by my peers because I was different. The worst being in fourth and fifth grade. it was so bad, one little boy would follow me home and beat me up in the middle of the street at times. I was teased for my hand-me down clothes the fact i was an army brat and for the shows i watched (was called a potty trainer lover because i enjoyed power rangers). my best friend evene eventually turned on me by fifth grade and i was alone. my life as a young girl was miserable.

In sixth grade, i was be-friended by a young girl simply so she could find ways for me to embarrass myself. one time she convinced me that make-up had to be worn clown-like; thick, heavy, and bright bold colors. I was teased so badly about it, I cried for days.

i'm almost 30 now, and i still find it difficult to make new friends and sometimes find myself trying too hard to impress people. which i think turns them away from me, i reek so bad of desperation to be accepted.

here's the thing about bullying; if you're told enough times that you're not good enough or worth anything, you start to believe it.  i fight constantly to this day with my self-esteem. i still feel insecure & feel as if everyone is watching me, waiting for me to mess up, to do something that is worth a good laugh.

bullying is not a joke. teasing another person because they're different can affect how they see themselves. who knows, that little girl who is laughed at for her good-will clothes  is in hand me downs because her mom is working full time for minimum wage and going to school so she can put food on the table & clothes aren't a priority. the kid who you are teasing about her father in the service is worried she won't ever see him again because he's  deployed and all she gets is a letter once every month or so.

I do my best to teach Thomas not to be mean to his classmates and friends. i also try and teach him not to listen to other kids if someone teases him at school. that's all i can do. that and be there for him if he was a victim of bullying.

parents need to be more aware of what their kids are doing & discipline them if they are doing the wrong thing. I can't stand seeing the little kids around my apartment complex picking on their peers & the fact their parents don't do a single thing about it really creams my corn!

And just like that, "Crash" is born....

Thomas has developed a new nickname recently and he has lived up to it. After his shower incident, we started to call him "crash"... and oh boy, is he a crash..... the other night he wanted to stand on the barstool he eats dinner at & then today he tried to stand on a plastic bucket & fell down only to hit his head on the bed...

He is such an awkward child LOL