Choices

i have been thinking a lot lately (i know, i should be careful doing that) about what i really want to do with my life. is the military really where i want to be 10 years from now, wondering if they are going to deploy me away from my family? or is it time for me to look into another venture? i have looked into the possibility of getting out next summer or the summer after and maybe going back home to Austin. there i would probably apply for the postal service and do that while going to school. i chose the postal service b/c they pay fairly well and the benefits are great. i can handle that. the most important thing to me is taking care of my family. and that seems to be the only reason for staying in. and honestly, thats not good enough.

dont get me wrong. i love the military and i love what i do. but i dont love being treated like 2nd class because of my weight and inability to have a smaller waist. i dont love knowing that i could deploy (which i would do in a heartbeat if i was tasked) and be seperated from my husband and son for 4-6 months. i dont love being depressed because of these reasons. with my being bi-polar and leaning in on the deppressive side, i have to wonder if staying in is really best for my mental health. i wonder if i would be better on the "outside".

i suffer from no delusions of sunny days and happy times outside the military. but the extra stress thats been on me to lose weight will be gone, which in turn will help me feel better about myself. cause right now, its hard to have a positive self-image when i am being told i am fat (basically). i know there is stress out there, which is why i want to go home if i get out. my mom and dad are there. not to mention my sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. the whole family. its the perfect support group for me. and that is what i need. rob is great as a support group, but i need more.

this is something i will have to continue to pray on. i will call life skills tomorrow and try to get in with my psych to update my meds and see what he thinks about all this. they are doing a review board anyways next summer to see if the AF is best for my mental health. maybe they can move it up if i chose. i really want things paid off first though. thats the only problem. we need money. we have no money. i have to have a job.

its a cold, vicious cycle, and at the end of it, i am tired and beaten. i just want to curl up and go to sleep, and when i wake know that everything will be okay.

but when is everything truly okay?