my testimony

When I was a young girl, I met the perfect man. He was kind, honest and full of love for everyone around him. The more I got to know him, the further in love I fell. I lived my life for him and him alone. His name was Jesus Christ and at the tender age of 13, I gave my life to him
Throughout High School, I proclaimed my faith and tried to live as He would want. I never did drugs, never drank and vowed to save myself for my future husband. Things were good then. I was filled with the glory of God and was determined to serve him.
After High School, I got onto a bus and headed for Lackland Air Force Base to complete my Basic Training into the United States Air Force. Every time the training became difficult I just repeated Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. I would sing that verse to myself each and every hour through the entire six weeks and was blessed for my faith with the coveted “honor graduate” title, only one of 30 given out of the approximately 2400 airman to graduate with me that day.
During my technical training at Keesler Air Force Base I was compelled to take on a student leader position as a chapel rope. I quickly became the head rope and led the student worship center and services. I ministered to my fellow Airmen, encouraged by a young marine corporal in my class. To this day, I don’t remember his name or face, but I remember his faith and how it pushed me to pursue my own even further.
When I graduated from Tech School I was blessed to have my orders changed from Scott AFB in Illinois to Yokota Air Base in Tokyo, Japan. Little did I know that this assignment would begin a five year test in my faith. One which I would fail in nearly every way possible.
My first night in Japan, a future co-worker invited me to come hang out in his room with a few other Airmen and drink. Knowing full well that I was underage, I accepted. This would become the first in a long line of bad choices. I began to go out to the local bars and clubs and drinking more and more. My clothing choices went from conservative to inappropriate and geared towards catching the eyes of men. The woman who vowed to wait started to pursue carnal relations and it never mattered to me whether they were single or married.
During all of this, I was still attending church each Sunday. I was a leader in the singles ministry and the female vocalist for the church band. I thought little of how my personal life affected my spiritual. To me, there was nothing wrong with my going out.
Then, on February 21, 2004, my lifestyle caught up with me. That night, I drank excessively, dressed outrageously and behaved inappropriately. My actions caught the eye of one of my fellow Airman who followed me home from the club. I was too drunk to fight him off and he took full advantage. My life quickly began to unravel after that.
Instead of turning to God for healing, I cursed him for allowing it to happen. I quit attending church and started to drink and party even more. I was empty and devoid of all feeling and never turned to the one place that could fill the void in my heart. I was hurt and angry and never took my fault for what happened. It was easier to blame God.
I became even more depressed over the following months and self-destructive. By the time my great-grandfather passed that October, there was nothing left of me. I week after I buried Opa, on October 27 2004, I tried to end my own life.
I still remember that feeling of emptiness and hopelessness that night. I called on everyone I knew and no one answered. The only call I didn’t make was the one that truly mattered, to God. So, I sat there alone and lost in my room and began to saw at my arm with a steak knife, hoping to feel something. I felt nothing, so I went into my medicine cabinet and took every pill there. I passed out on the bathroom floor, ready to die.
I don’t know how much time passed, but I woke up briefly and began to cry. Then I prayed “lord, I don’t really want to die. Please help me”. I still am unsure about what happened after that, but I ended up two floors up, passed out in the hall outside my friend’s room. I was quickly discovered and rushed to the ER where my stomach was pumped and my heart rate brought down. Apparently, another five more minutes and I would have been dead.
The next few days were a blur, but the one thing I do remember was the visitors. It wasn’t the people who I frequented the clubs with. Not the men and women who bought me drinks or the men who took me back to their places to spend the night. No, it was the men and women from the church I had abandoned in lieu of earthly pleasures. It was the guys from the band, with instruments in tow, to sing with me and bring my spirits up. It was the members of the singles group who stayed with me, never judging, and just pouring out their love for me.
After that night, I started going back to church and tried to rebuild my cast aside faith. But that wasn’t the end. Satan took full advantage of my weakened faith and spirit and re-fueled my hatred and anger by telling me how God couldn’t truly love me any longer because of all my sins. I listened and once again cast aside the church and God.
After I left Japan, I went back to Keesler for further training where I met a good man and married him within 6 weeks of meeting him. I truly thought this was the man for me, an answered prayer from the Lord. We headed off to Germany where we lived our lives going out to bars and clubs nearly every weekend. Once again, my drinking became out of hand and on more than one occasion I would become belligerent and beat my husband. Driven by guilt, I started to withdraw from him.
When we discovered that I was pregnant I rejoiced and my life began to change. I started to realize that I was not living a Godly life. Sure, I talked the talk, but I never walked the walk. Once we returned to the states, I started to attend church more often and really listen to the word.
By the time my son was born I thought I was truly on the right path towards re-kindling my relationship with Christ. I quit going out to the bars and clubs and reduced my drinking. I wanted my son to have a good example of how to live his life. The closer I started getting to the Lord, the further I drifted away from my husband. He continued to go out and live how he wanted to and instead of fulfilling my wifely duties and confronting him in a calm matter, I yelled and screamed and forbade him to spend time in the casinos and clubs. We began to drift apart and because I could not be the wife for him that he wanted, he pursued others.
Over the past couple of months, since I asked for a divorce, I have really started to re-evaluate my life and search for what I had before. I realized then that I have failed in my Christian walk, as a wife, as a woman and in turn as a mother. I have struggled now for two months with my own pride to take that last step I need to in order to continue my walk. I’m there; I want to know Him again, to live my life for the glory of the Lord. After a lot of inner searching and prayer, I can’t run anymore. He has pressed on me what I need to do in order to continue my walk and that is to swallow my foolish pride and shame over my past and to share it. I still don’t know what he plans to do with my story, but I have to tell it, so I am.
I know that the road ahead is going to be difficult and full of obstacles, but I also know that that man I fell in love with 11 years ago will still be there just as he has been. He will continue to hold my hand as I walk and carry me when I am weak and loving me despite my faults. There is a verse that I learned as a little girl that has been popping up in my head numerous times over the past two weeks as I faced the departure of my husband, the reality of my expanding bills and the notice of my medical separation from the Air Force. It has helped calm me in the past and eased each burden I have encountered in all of my 24 years. “I cast all my cares upon you, I lay all of my burdens down at your feet. And any time I don’t know what to do; I will cast all my cares upon you”.